I miss you every day!

I started this post back in August 2018. I don’t think I was really ready to write it. I couldn’t bear to describe the feelings that overtook me almost every day.

I am not saying that children that lose parents, who have siblings, suffer any less… In all honesty, I wouldn’t know. How could I possibly know? I have always been an only! I do know that having to watch my mom lose her best friend (my best friend too) and not having that burden to share is difficult.

I also will not tell you that my friends weren’t absolutely amazing, they were. My cousin stepped in to help in some ways, but the difference is that my mom has people in our family that constantly checked in to make sure she was okay and with me, well I was sort of forgotten.

I am not even angry about that, I always expected it. It wasn’t something that didn’t play in the back of my head from the time I was old enough to know that one day I would lose them. I was ready for it. And by time you died, I really was ready for it because I had a program that would see me through, as no other could. God works in mysterious ways.

I will say that when you left that day, never to return, would change the course of how I moved forward. When I was in my 20s and 30s and early 40s, fear consumed me.

What would I do? How would I react? How would I care for either parent that was left? I sometimes prayed that God would take me first, selfish – absolutely!!! I would have no one, and the thought of losing both drove me mad with insanity. I would be alone.

That is often how an only feels. I am not saying this to make parents of an only upset. I don’t want you to think you wronged your child. I am sharing my experience, strength, and hope because everyone’s reason for only having one is there own reason. 

Regarding my mom, she couldn’t have any more children after me, suffering two miscarriages. Fear often overtook her as well, thinking, what have I done to my child? She will be all alone! Everyone’s circumstances are different. My mom and dad didn’t fail me.

But I am in a different place now, a place of peace and serenity that allows me to know I will never be alone, even when both parents are gone. I no longer want to leave this earth first. I want a long and happy life.

I am saying that it is scary as an only. Thinking you will be alone. So friends and family and parents and adults I will leave you with this statement. If your child comes to you and says, “I will be all alone” and you don’t know how to react, maybe, just maybe, understanding where my fears took me, love them, help them find peace with it, help them find someone that can help them understand, and help them know, like me, they can build a beautiful network of friends that will not them be alone.

Hey daddy, are you listening…. I miss you every day! But guess what… I’m not alone!